I Took a Sex Class (and I Liked It)
I love my job and I have to admit that the assignment I gave myself earlier this week may go down as one of my all-time favorites. I enrolled myself in Blow Job University (BJU) at the amazing g boutique. While some of you might assume this class would totally blow for a woman who’s also happens to be a married mom, I have to tell you it didn’t suck at all. In fact, BJU might be the best class I’ve ever taken, in any topic. Ever. And I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
Before I get into all of the juicy particulars (OK, I’ll do my best to stop with the puns, but it’s so hard), I just have to say this: if you are a heterosexual woman, you must take this class. If you are a heterosexual mom, you especially have to take this class. I’d even go so far as to say if you’re a gay dad, you have to take this class, but I don’t feel I’m qualified to make that assertion. How about this? Everyone who engages in sexual activity with a man, particularly those of us in long-term relationships, must take this class. Here’s why:
We Know Nothing
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but we know next to nothing when it comes to giving the men in our lives pleasure. I think we used to at some point, probably right before we learned how to empty the diaper genie. What happened to us, ladies? We were so awesome back in the days before we got married and had kids: adventurous, naughty, and total risk takers.
I cannot believe how much I didn’t know and how much I’d forgotten. Pearls of wisdom like these sprang effortlessly from the mouth of BJU’s tenured professor: The men’s version of the g spot is located closer to the anus (which explains why the guy in your life loves the hopper so much), the underside of the penis is more sensitive because it’s not chafing against underwear, you can drive a guy wild by tugging on his testicles in a particular way, and there’s so much more. My oh my oh my. Is there such a thing as married mom’s sexual amnesia, and will a class like this help cure it?
We Are Boring
Take a look at the handout below. Do you know any of these techniques and, if so, when was the last time you tried more than one or two of them? Ladies, sorry to be the bearers of bad news here, but we are boring – and lazy.
If we’re having sex at all, and I know many of us are not, it’s more predictable than watching Dirty Dancing or The Princess Bride for the thousandth time. You know the pace, the moves, the costume changes, Billy Crystal’s funny accent, the noises, the ending, and even the amount of cuddle time afterward.
During BJU, we each had our own dildo (omg, I just typed the word “dildo”), upon which we practiced all of the new techniques. Again, I can’t believe how much I forgot or didn’t know: Never, never, never, and I mean never, give a hand job without lube. Stop using KY or similar brands; it has glycerin it, which could cause yeast infections. Don’t use any warming oils that could end up in your body. You should not want to heat up your vagina like it’s an oven at Outback Steakhouse.
Here’s what you should use instead. It has silicone, the same stuff that’s in your lip gloss. It’s safe to put in your mouth, which I think is precisely the point.
Guys Need Positive Reinforcement
Ladies, you know how we ask our partners about 10 to 20 times a week if we look fat? Well it turns out they need the same positive reinforcement when it comes to their penises. Be honest: when was the last time you told your hubby his package rocks?
Here’s what Professor BJ recommends: make noises during oral sex, go for the slapping and slurping sounds, and tell him how hot he is when he’s erect. C’mon gals, if he could tell us for the millionth time that our muffin tops aren’t as bad as we think they are, we should be able to return the favor.
Sex is Empowering
What’s the best thing I learned last night? That sex, all types of sex, should be empowering for women. Oral sex does not have to be the misogynist activity it’s portrayed as in pornographic movies, where the woman is at the mercy of the man. The guys need us, want us, and would stand on their hands for 30 minutes straight if we told them that’s what was required to put the techniques I learned last night into practice.
So often in long-term relationships other issues sneak into the bedroom and we forget that sex can empower us, making us feel more beautiful and more connected to our partner. Too often, we buy into the notion that being a mom precludes being a sex goddess. We need to remember that we’re sexual beings in addition to mothers, spouses, and all of the other roles we play.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet: I loved this class. Will I go again? Let’s see: giggles, super handy info about getting handsy, and the opportunity to explore my sexuality in a cool and comfy environment with a totally diverse and rockin’ group of women. Sign me up. Immediately.
~By Wendy Widom