Jillian Michaels & My Ass: A Perfect Combo, Sometimes

~By Elle Davis

I recently started doing the 30-Day Shred, and the workout is kicking my ass. By Wednesday morning, I felt like I had been kicked around by a horse, eaten, pooped out, and kicked all over again. I was sore everywhere. Even my elbows hurt.

When my 3-year-old was in her Caillou trance a few days ago, I went to get a quick shower. While I was trying to remember whether I had conditioned my hair, I thought I should just exercise while the little hummingbird was playing in the living room.

Brilliant!

Within minutes of rinsing I had brought my exercise mat, weights, and the badass Jillian Michaels DVD into the living room and set up shop.

I gave my daughter a snack, and just as I went to press “play” on the DVD player, my little girl made herself right at home on my exercise mat — the exercise mat that was now covered in yummy roasted gorgonzola crackers. I scooped the crackers back in the bowl and ran over to get my weights as Jillian was telling me to move my ass. OK, she really didn’t tell me that but, damn, the woman is intimidating.

When my little girl stood up, her bowl of crackers went flying all over the mat again. I scooped them up a second time and went to do some push-ups while my hands crunched the crumbs of the crackers further into my exercise mat.

I started laughing, which made my already sore stomach even worse. Then as I went to do the cardio, my little girl accidentally dumped her bowl of crackers onto the mat a third time.

While I was doing my arm lifts with the weights, I was thinking how kids are like cats. They ignore you, but as soon as you show interest in something, they’re like “Oh no you don’t. I’m just going to lie on top of the newspaper so you can’t read it.” In the case of my daughter, who was happily occupied in her playhouse beforehand, she had to have my full attention only when I started exercising.

Since I was afraid Jillian Michaels would kick my ass if I didn’t keep up, I was so focused on my workout that didn’t notice my daughter walking toward my left side as I was lowering my arms, and I accidentally bonked her on the head with one of my weights.

At first she didn’t react, but I did. I immediately picked her up and gave her kisses while looking for any damage. That’s when she began to scream and cry, tears pouring down her face. Way to go me for scaring her more with my nervous reaction.

After only a few minutes, all was well again because I turned on Caillou and decided that the 30-Day Shred and toddlers who ignore you any time except when you want to exercise don’t mix, so I’d just have to work out when she’s taking her “nap.”

I say “nap” because she rarely naps anymore and spends her “quiet time” in her room being really, really loud. Jump, jump, bang, jump, bang, jump, jump. I can hear her throughout the entire house and I get a nervous tic.

Since I will forever feel badly for bonking her on the head with a 3-pound weight, though, I’ll just have to consider us even.

The pic comes from Pretty Fit Body.

Read more about writer Elle Davis here!