Hard Up: A Guy’s Sexual Confession

I’m a man. With this manly power comes responsibility. This includes all things vehicular, minor home repairs, and how to pleasure a woman. Over the years, I’ve found a mechanic and repairman to take care of the first two, but the third is still all me. The plain truth is that even after years of experience, this remains as obscure as the other two. Yes, sex, even when you’re a happily married bona fide dude, is confusing.

Ladies, men are often just as clueless in the bedroom as you are. Consider the facts. We all know Sex Ed was less than educational, and the talk with Dad at 15 years old was just awkward and unsatisfying (he was the last person I wanted to hear the lurid details from — there’s a reason Oedipus gouged his eyes out, folks). All we really learned was what to do with the tissues crowded deep in the sheets. Locker room talk was all talk, so it comes down to this. Most of us guys have misplaced the crucial How to Drive Her Wild handbook.

So we compensate. We pay extra attention to Hollywood’s sex scenes. We listen, often painfully, as you describe what you need from us. We watch soft porn and feel guiltier and even more puzzled.  And then there are all the mixed messages. In the last couple decades of my sexual existence, I’ve learned that I’m supposed to be masculine but gentle, an alpha male but not too alpha, loving but not weak, and experienced but not a male slut.

Complicated, right?

To show you just how uncertain guys really are between the sheets, here are just some of the thoughts racing through my mind during sex with my wife:

-Am I hard? OK, this is good.

-Did I just hear a kid? No. This is also good.

- Hold on: she’s talking to me. Do I talk back? She wants me to “give it to her hard.” How hard does she mean? Does she mean metaphorically hard, since she also wants me to be gentle?

- She just asked me to swivel my hips. Contrary to what she thinks, most men cannot move their hips like Eddie Murphy in Boomerang. I must remember to tell her to stop watching reruns of this movie.

- I just swiveled my hips and now the pain in my left hip is not going away. Doesn’t she know I’m not this flexible? I can’t even sit cross-legged on the floor. The tension in my hamstrings, if harnessed, could launch a small animal into orbit.

- Ok, got some moans. Can’t really be sure about those though…

- I wish I could kiss her, but I was down below already. Would she think that was weird? Is it weird?

- Did I just get an email? I could have sworn I heard my phone buzz.

- Did she say wanted a quickie? Shit, that just guaranteed it’ll take me an extra 20 minutes to finish.

What this should tell you is that, as you probably already know, guys don’t have all the answers, in the bedroom or underneath the hood of the car, apart from knowing that good lubrication helps both. In fact, we’re fumbling all over the place trying to make sure you’re having a good time, though don’t get me wrong — fumbling can be fun. So be gentle with us, ladies. We could use a little reassurance every now and then.