What Men Really Think About Pregnant Women
~By Andy Goldstein, The Dadconteur
One of the great perks of not working during the holidays is the opportunity to watch The Price Is Right with my family. When my wife and I tell each other to “shut the F up!” in unison so as not to interrupt Plinko, it reaffirms our love in the same way that renewing our vows or sharing a bank account would.
I haven’t watched TPIR in a while, so pardon my ignorance on this one, but did you know that one of the models is überpregnant? Her name is Rachel Reynolds. She’s due in February and looks like she’s about to pop.
Watching Ms. Reynolds work her maternal magic while waving her hand across a friggin’ sweet Sea-Doo reaffirmed something that I have believed for a long time:
Pregnant women are beautiful creatures.
Before you quit reading and/or send me hate mail, chill out: I’m not describing a fetish. What I mean to say is this: I find the physical and mental attributes displayed by pregnant women to be attractive, sometimes alluring, and always comforting. I feel this is important to share because pregnant women don’t always feel this way, at least from what I understand. I’ve never actually been pregnant myself, though I have faked menstrual cramps to get out of junior high gym.
I can’t quite pinpoint what it is that does it for me. Maybe it’s the fact that pregnant women are housing and nurturing life – life that could grow up to cure cancer or break Wayne Gretzky’s single-season goal-scoring record or do nice things like help senior citizens cross the street or buy six boxes of Samoas despite having already bought a case from another Girl Scout in the neighborhood. Maybe it’s pregnant women’s effervescent glow that makes me feel totally optimistic and at ease. Or maybe I’m overthinking it and I just like big boobs. Who knows?
Don’t worry, I’m not that person who will randomly rub your stomach in the electronics section of Target. I won’t offer to carry your Starbucks cup for fear it’s putting extra strain on your legs, nor will I scorn you for drinking said Starbucks, because it’s none of my business what you do while pregnant, and those people who dare to make such snarky comments should all be suffocated with back-support pillows.
There are a lot of high-profile women who are pregnant right now, like Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Kate Middleton, and the aforementioned Reynolds. But they aren’t the only women who are hot n’ pregnant. You are too, and you deserve a foot massage more than Kim Kardashian does. Way more.
So cast out the despair over your cankles! Forget about your spider veins! Look beyond your stretch marks! Be proud of your linea negra! In the words of Christina Aguilera: “You are beautiful, in every single way. Words can’t bring you down. But also, you’re a genie in a bottle and you got to be rubbed the right way.” Sorry, I sometimes take Christina Aguilera a bit too literally.