Pleeeeeease Mom, Just This Once

~By Karen Alpert, Baby Sideburns

The other day about five minutes after I put my daughter to bed, I hear the pitter-patter of her stinky feet coming down the hallway.

ZOEY: Mommy! I want another story!

The way I see it I have two choices. Tell her “no” and deal with a crying, slobbering, snotting 3.5-year-old AND a crying, slobbering, snotting 15-month-old because she’s bound to wake up her brother too. OR I can just tell her the stupid story. You know, sometimes you’re ready to fight the battle, and sometimes you’ve got popcorn in the microwave and the DVR cued up to the season finale of the Real Housewives of Miami.

ME: A princess walks into the woods and meets a sparkly unicorn and he has wings so they fly off together and are friends forever, the end, I love you, goodnight.

And then a night or two later it was this.

ZOEY: Mommy! I’m thirsty!

Here we go again. Only when I went to the bathroom someone (translation: the only other grownup in the house) removed the stupid water cup to clean it. WTF? Does a water cup really need to be cleaned? You clean it with f’ing water every time you drink from it. Fine, I guess it gets spit on it, but, grrrrr, I need that cup now.

The way I see it, this time I have three choices. Treat her like an abused POW and tell her no, she can’t have any water and pray DSS never hears about it, drag my ass downstairs to get another water cup, OR give her some water in that dinky little medicine cup that comes with the Tylenol bottle. (So I don’t get a lot of shit from the scary ass Mommy brigade, the cup had never been used before, so no, there were no “traces” of Tylenol in it to poison my kid.)

You guessed it, I went with numero treso. And boy did she LOVE it! Now she calls it the “baby” cup and insists on drinking from it ALLLLL the f’ing time.

Sometimes when we’re in the kitchen she asks me if she can go get the baby cup for her milk. Sounds harmless enough, right? Ehhhhh, wrong. Because do you know how many times I would have to refill that stupid shot glass? And how difficult it would be to fill it from the ginormous gallon milk container that I already spill half the time? So I give her the answer immediately.

ME: No.

ZOEY: Pleeeeeeease. Just this once.

ME: No. N-O. No way, no how.

And here’s my point to this article. Yes, it took me over 400 words to get to my point, so sue me. In this country you probably could. My point is this. There is no such thing as letting your kid do something just once. It doesn’t happen. Because once you let them do it once, they’re going to ask again. And again and again and again. Until your kid is whining more than Caillou has in his entire illustrated lifetime and you’re ready to put both your ears through a meat grinder just to stop the pain.

So when my kiddo asks me if she can wear her Rapunzel dress to school just this once, the answer is no. When she asks me if she can have two desserts just this once, the answer is no. And when she asks me if she can skip washing her hands after peeing just this once, the answer is no. Absolutely not. And why the F would you want to go eat dinner with pee on your hands anyway? Just sayin’.


12 Responses to “Pleeeeeease Mom, Just This Once”

  1. On January 9, 2013 at 11:43 am Tia responded with... #

    I agree and I hate Cailou! He is banned from my household.

  2. On January 9, 2013 at 11:48 am One Funny Motha responded with... #

    Im with you on the “why the F would you want to go eat dinner with pee on your hands anyway?”

  3. On January 9, 2013 at 12:05 pm Chrystal responded with... #

    Totally. Its a lot easier to expand the bounderies than it is to bring them back in!

  4. On January 9, 2013 at 1:47 pm don't eat the baby responded with... #

    Caillou is one annoying little bastard, and how is it that the adults are infinitely patient? He is banned from my house!

  5. On January 9, 2013 at 2:08 pm Michele responded with... #

    You are right again! It’s like you are my spirit animal. And its so refreshing to meet another mom who thinks Caillou should just shut the ef up, if I whined like that as a kid, I woulda had a back hand to the mouth, not my own damn animated show!

  6. On January 9, 2013 at 2:32 pm Misty responded with... #

    No to Calliou!! He’s the whiniest kid on the planet.. why would I want to raise whiny kids? Monkey see, Monkey do! I agree whole heartedly! If you don’t draw your line in the sand clearly the line will get blurry and kids will push you to the limit everytime. My children know where the line is and rarely try to push it. I expect them to try, they are forming their own opinions and starting to think for themselves, but when it comes to that line in the sand or discipline I don’t budge.

  7. On January 9, 2013 at 3:17 pm Naomi responded with... #

    When my son starts the begging and whinning, I’ve taken to singing – “You can’t always get what you want’ from Yo Gabba Gabba- the line “It wont happen if you keep on asking…” is my favourite. He hates me singing so he usually gives up.

  8. On January 9, 2013 at 3:19 pm Melanie Tahiri responded with... #

    Too funny, so true!
    But you see, us Dutchies have The best solution for your American Gallons of Milk; we have The itsy bitsy tiny ones!
    Bummer is tough, now living in The States my boys can’t do it themselves anymore!
    Ahhhgggg …. And do yes, YOU are still right also on the gallons of shitty Milk!

  9. On January 9, 2013 at 3:21 pm Melanie Tahiri responded with... #

    And… So yes that is! Thanks gruesome I phone!

  10. On January 9, 2013 at 3:25 pm Amy responded with... #

    My daughter is 2 so this shiz is just starting up — I am glad to get permission to say no!

  11. On January 10, 2013 at 10:04 am Barb responded with... #

    The begging isn’t allowed in my house…no is no. Once they find that the please, pretty please doesn’t work they will figure out not to ask again. I hate begging when I hear children doing it, I just want to say enough!, which I have said to my children many times.

  12. On January 15, 2013 at 12:59 pm Kristi Campbell responded with... #

    Love this! And you’re so right that if you give in one single time, they will remember for-f*cking*ever. Funny how they never remember the one time they ate broccoli and it wasn’t that bad though, huh?
    And Caillou sucksass. And his parents really bother me too. Nobody is that tolerant. Nobody.

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