The Boob Tube & Why I’m the Worst Mom Ever

~By Karen Alpert, Baby Sideburns

The other day I was at a play date and one of the moms mentioned to me how well-behaved my kid is. First I looked behind me to make sure she wasn’t talking to someone else. Then I looked over at my daughter. Ah yes, of course she’s well-behaved. She’s sitting in front of the television.

Having a kid who zones out in front of the TV is both a blessing and a curse. It’s perfect when I need to get something done. Hell, I could plop her in front of the boob tube for eight hours, go to work, and then come back and she would still be sitting there. In her own feces, but sitting there nonetheless.

But trying to get past the electronics section at Costco is nearly impossible. As soon as she spots one of those big-screen television sets, her eyes glaze over and her feet adhere to the ground. For the love of God, child, they’re serving chocolate samples on the other side of the store and you want to stand here and watch Crocodile Dundee? Oh jeez, it’s not even Crocodile Dundee. It’s Crocodile Dundee 2. My eyes, my eyes!

Yup, she’ll watch ANYTHING. The other night I threatened that if she came out of her room one more time I was going to make her watch The Walking Dead with us. Thankfully, all my threats are empty ones because she would have gladly sat there chomping on popcorn while watching zombies chomp on people’s brains. And I would have owed her even more money than I already do for her therapy.

And you know how kids love CNN? Wait, they don’t? Because I can’t even leave it on when I’m in the shower or she’ll camp out in front of it. Case in point: once when she was two, I came out to find her looking at a shot of Bin Laden on the set. “Mommy, look! It’s Santa Claus!” True story.

So I have two questions. First, do you have a kid like this? I need to know I’m not the only one. And second, why?!!! Why are all the other kids at a play date running around like they’re supposed to while my kid is glued to some shitty show on the boob tube?

Being the Jewish mother that I am, I blame myself. Oy vey, I should have let her watch more TV when she was little, but those damn experts told us it kills brain cells. I don’t know why I cared. The last place I want her to go is Harvard because:

A. We can’t afford it.

B. My dream is for her to go to the community college down the street so she’ll never leave me.

Anyway, I figure my daughter’s a lost cause. I f’ed up on her. Hence the reason I had a second child. To fix all the mistakes I made on the first.

So right now as I type this I’m having AT&T install cable in my son’s room. I’m also gonna load him up on cigarettes, hire him a hooker, and encourage him to surf porn to his heart’s content. That’s right, kiddo, get it out of your system now. Because you’re not turning out like your sister.

[Photo Credit: David Castillo /FreeDigitalPhotos.net]