Me Time, Schmee Time: We’re Going Radical
~By Beth Woolsey, Five Kids Is a Lot of Kids
Anne Lamott talks from time to time about radical acts of self-care. Or maybe it’s Oprah. Or Betty Lou from Sesame Street. With her calm focus on kindness and sharing and befriending our fellow monsters, Betty is one of the great spiritual gurus of our time.
Anyway, a wise woman said it, except I feel they should be called RADICAL ACTS of SELF-CARE, like that, in bold and all caps so we might announce them in our 1950s-style Broadcaster Voice when they descend from the sky like superheroes to save us from ourselves.
What’s that? Up in the sky? Why … it’s a RADICAL ACT of SELF-CARE!
And then we can clutch our hearts and swoon theatrically to give our acts of valor the adoration and attention they deserve.
Today, for example, I engaged in two whole Radical Acts of Self-Care, and they were worthy of some theatrical clutching and adoration for sure.
Today,
- I went to the bathroom at the very first sign that I needed to go, and
- I drank my entire cup of coffee while it was still warm.
I know. Not to be braggy, but I really did.
Furthermore, during both acts I sat all the way down and I focused on them ‘til I was done.
Call me a liar if you must, but for five whole minutes – the duration of two Radical Acts – I didn’t read anyone a Clifford story. Or Berenstain Bears. Or Franklin. Or play Legos or blocks or trains where my legs are the tunnels and someone’s noggin hits me – KAPOW! – in the crotch bone.
For five minutes, I didn’t balance my checkbook.
For five minutes, I didn’t sign a permission slip.
For five minutes, I didn’t referee a fight or kiss a boo boo or braid my daughter’s crunchy, candy-coated hair.
I didn’t holler reminders to “Hurry up or we’ll be late for school!” And I didn’t visit the Pioneer Woman or Facebook – not even once.
For five whole minutes, I did two radical things, and although I had an attentive audience for one, I managed to do the other all by myself without the usual cast of thousands sitting at my feet on the sticky floor waiting anxiously for me to finish. Drinking that cup of coffee alone was like a miracle.
The truth is I like Radical Acts of Self-Care far more than Me Time, even if that’s just semantics. It’s just that Me Time never manages to show up at my house without a little person clinging desperately to one leg and my mama guilt clinging harder to the other. I’ve tried Me Time – I have – and it’s like the Agony and the Ecstasy, except mostly agony, which makes it hardly worth inviting over. I end up feeling more selfish than refreshed and, frankly, I do not have the time for that much angst.
Radical Acts of Self-Care, on the other hand, are small gifts I can give to myself; random kindnesses, silly victories, and breaths of air in the middle of the madness. They’re opportunities for grace, and they come with tiny bits of optimism and caffeine stuffed in their pockets like the hard candies Earl sneaks the kids at church on Sunday.
We were late for school this morning, FYI, by five minutes.
Five minutes and two radical acts that were totally worth it.
Beth is the brains, beauty, and hilarity behind Five Kids Is a Lot of Kids.
[Photo credit: Photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net]
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I just got to read this entire blog and enjoy it with no interruptions of : mommy, mommy, mommy, mom…. Mommy, MOMMY, I want……
Also, if I get to use the bathroom alone, or on the most rare of occasions get a super lightning fast shower alone, 
That to me is a victory, a radical act of self care
I agree! Although I should have been preparing lunch or straightening something that reeeeallly need to be straightened, I read that whole blog post start to finish. Hooray for us!
Also, my big radical act of self care is I auditioned for and joined a local chorus. I’m one of the only moms of small children in it, and it’s so delicious to be *musical* instead of *momical* for 2.5 hours once a week. Plus it’s increased my kids’ repertoire of showtunes because I practice around the house!
LOVE these, Heather & Erica. And congrats on the making the chorus, Erica! It’s always like a little miracle to get to play a role other than Mama for a bit. Nicely done.
My radical act is running [away] at least three days a week. As soon as my husband walks in the door, we greet, I update him on dinner status, and then I walk out the door. I’ve learned that if I don’t give myself the opportunity to change my mind, it actually gets done and the whole family is better off when I get that alone time.
Today happens to be one of those days where I am more than ready to run and am so glad we’ve worked this system out.
SO good, Kay! When my littles complain about my runs (the kind with my feet, not the kind out of my… nevermind), I always tell them that they’re trading 45 minutes for a Nice Mommy and that it’s good for ALL OF US to make that exchange.
I have successfully trained my household to bring me coffee in bed EVERY morning. Of course, this also means I have company in bed EVERY morning. But hey, once that caffeine hits my blood–I’m good
This is parenting philosophy I can get behind, Cindy. Please consider a career in parenting workshops.
Sometimes my RADICAL ACTS of SELF CARE start with the spoken words “You’ve already eaten, this is my food.“
That IS radical! Love it.
After I nurse our little 4 month old, if my husband is home, I stay in the room and relax for a bit while he watches our other two (6, 1 1/2). It’s wonderful.
So smart, Beatriz, to grab the seconds of sanity while you can.
Hey — huge thanks to you, Families in the Loop. Having the opportunity to write this was a Radical Act of Self Care and such a great reminder to look for the little things.
Thank YOU, Beth Woolsey. You are awesome!
Every Friday night, I put our 2 yo son to bed and then either have my two best friends over or go to one of their houses. We grew up across the street from each other, we’re all married and have kids, but still need that bonding / de-stress time every week. We rarely even leave the house to do anything, but it’s just great to get together for a cheesy romantic comedy and a bottle of wine!
If it’s a weeknight, and my husband is working late, I do a little pampering after my son is asleep…tweeze my eyebrows, paint my toenails, file my nails…gives me a few minutes at the end of the day to transition from mom to woman before my hubby comes home.
Beth, found your blog through Crappy Pictures! Love.
Two of my radical acts of self-care: 1. showering with the door closed. It makes the bathroom look so different that I’m always a little startled when I open the curtain – like WHERE AM I oh wait this is how normal people shower, and 2. Salted caramel mochas. Because sometimes you just need to spend five bucks on yourself.
Keep up the great posts!
Hey, thanks, Lisa!
My favorite radical act of self care it to knit, uninterrupted, for at least 5 minutes. True, I’ve been working on the same scarf since spring, but it is getting longer. I am actually doing something that isn’t immediately undone, eaten, or demolished! Gotta love that.
) I can’t remember the last uninterrupted cup of coffee – I think I’ll strive for that tomorrow. Thanks for the inspiration.
Beth – You’ve gone completely off your rocker with these radical acts. If your kids have to parent themselves every time you have to pee – well, they’ll probably end up like crazy kids who try to make pee pools in the tub.
yeah…I went there.
Heh heh. Love this, Heather.
I, um, might know a few boys who could use a tad more parental supervision.
I have three little children. I was a teacher (until I recently elected to stay home) and I remember thinking of my time in the bathroom at school was like a little piece of heaven. No one banged on the door or followed me in or yelled “vagina” when I sat down. Nope it was me and a blissful 3 minutes of solitude and quiet. I miss that bathroom. Maybe even more than the paycheck.
Unless I am doing pre-potty training, I pee by myself EVERY TIME! My house is small and one-story, so if anything really terrible occurred I would hear, but Mommy potties with the door closed! And hey, if their sad, tiny fingers are clawing underneath the door while they cry through the pilfered iPhone to CPS- at least I know where they are!
Running is my latest radical act, but I’m not sure it counts yet, since it’s only been a couple of weeks. Work is the easiest, and I cherish it for the self-care more than the money. My kids follow me there sometimes but when they try to ask for food, paper, pencils, toys, etc. I can say, “I’m working, I’m not in charge of you right now! Find __________ (Daddy, Grandma, random employee, random customer) and ask them!” After-bedtime glasses of wine while I watch The Daily Show are pretty nice too.
Mmm. Jon Stewart is worth watching.
Recently, my baby became old enough to go down to sleep without nursing each day (ie if I’m here, we do the standard nursing thing, but if I am out, he will let someone else give his a glass of milk and lay him down for bed). Anyway, my husband heard through work about a friendly rowing class, which would allow me to partake of my _favorite_ type of exercise, while somebody else fed the kids and put some of them down to bed (the toddler, the 8-y-o and the 9-y-o at 7:30, and the 11-y-o at 8:30; I’m back before the 13-y-o goes down at 9:30).
Bliss! Mommy gets to exercise, which makes Mommy a better person, and everyone else learns that they can cope without Mommy.
I mastered the “door shut for the bathroom” thing long ago; the issue was forced by my now 9-y-o son, back when he was 3, and the day he screamed for me when I was in the shower. I jumped out of the shower, opened the door, and leaned over, with cold air hitting me, dripping wet, the little man got a total boner staring at my chest and could not articulate what it was that he wanted. Hiding behind the door, I was able to bring him back around to the here-n-now; the thing he wanted to tell me was trivial. I locked the door to the bathroom (and my bedroom, when changing) for years afterwards, and everyone got used to the fact that Mommy was sometimes Not Available.
HA! I haven’t locked a door in eons. This may be just the inspiration I needed, Emily!
As always Beth, thanks for the laughs and the reminders.
I’d forgotten about my desperate act of self-care: When the twins were 2 and Big Sis 4, once a day, I took a timer set for 5 minutes, pointed sternly at my children and looked through squinty eyes at them and said, “Do not say anything to me until this buzzer goes!”, plunked myself on the landing of the staircase where miraculously at that stage, there were no messes visible, and I breathed, deeply, in and out very slowly, until the buzzer went. Worked miracles. Truly.
So did hiring a neighbourhood girl (or 2 when the twins still couldn’t do anything for themselves – best-friends sitters will totally give big discounts) from 4pm-7pm – dinner and bedtime! Sitter served cereal and fruit for dinner, then did the bedtime routine. The kids got used to someone else putting them to bed and doing things a little differently than they were used to. I got to leave. Even if it was just to sit on a neighbour’s porch chair and again, breath deeply. Or drive around with my hubby and do Christmas shopping, or birthday shopping, or ANYTHING that didn’t involve “Mommy? Mommy! Mommy?”
Now that the babes are five, Self-Care looks a lot more like Me Time.
Ooh! The timer is SUCH a good idea! Thanks, Julie.
My radical act of self care looks a lot like putting the kids to bed early (this is also when the chocolate comes out of hiding). As long as it’s dark outside they’ll go…that was until the oldest learnt to tell the time. Rather coincidentally it was about then that I invented ‘quiet reading in bed before lights out’. Being a book worm he was/is fine with this arrangement. (YES!!!!!)
After homework is finished and all 4 kids and beastly 150-pound dog are (momentarily) sated with a board game or a screen, I take 30 minutes to make dinner – sometimes with wine in hand, other nights with old music. That is one scenario. The other one involves snacks, keyboard, ping-pong and a finished basement – with me on the other side at the top of a closed door. What happens in the basement stays there (and I don’t have to ref or clean or comfort for ten-ish minutes).
This morning, for a full 7 minutes, I took a shower, brushed my teeth & blew dry my hair. All without having to rearrange my twin boys & answering a million questions. First time this week I didn’t have an audience.
I only have one son, but he WILL NOT SLEEP without someone there, and of course while he’s awake he needs me CONSTANTLY. However, I have worked out a system! See, my husband has to go to bed early, because he does early morning custodial work. So I put my husband and my baby to bed, and then I sneak out to do all the cooking for the next day, chat with my friend on facebook, write poetry, whatever. Right now I’m getting my computer time by letting him play with a whole pot of leftover pasta. Will I regret it later? Maybe….I’m regretting the rice all over the carpet from a few days ago….but I really don’t care.
My husband is great about ministering to this need so I get 20 minutes to sleep alone in the bed every morning (or check email/Facebook on my tablet while under the covers and with the door shut). I also only usually get 3 showers per week so I take looooooong ones while he runs interference and keeps the boys out of the bathroom. I run the fan too and have intentionally not upgraded to a quiet one so it drowns out the chaos beyond the bathroom door. Finally, I’m in a women’s choir and no matter how tired I am, I don’t skip practice. That’s my time.
Little kids are one thing, but this summer we had 5 teenagers!!! After grocery shopping with OUT them, I thought… NO, I am not ready to go home!! So I drove across town (it is a little town) to the Dairy Queen farthest away from the farm and bought myself an ice cream cone. (Chocolate dipped) and ate it. All by myself!
This is hilarious, Beth, and so much more realistic than me time. Showering with the bathroom door closed AND no small child in the tub with me is one of my RADICAL ACTS of SELF CARE. (It doesn’t happen all that often, but I sure relish it when it does.) Taking more than two showers in any given week is another. (Most days all I manage between refereeing fights, dressing little ones, and making everyone SIT DOWN and EAT their breakfast is washing my face and armpits in the sink and applying fresh deodorant.)
I set an alarm for about a half hour before my kids wake up to crawl into bed with me for their last bit of morning sleep. I get up, use the bathroom, brush my teeth and hair. Sometimes I get dressed. It is amazing. And sometimes, I go back to sleep and pretend it’s like sleeping in.