Princess Kate and Her Breasts: Who Cares?

Dear Duchess of Cambridge,

Let me begin by saying that Cambridge is a lovely university town, and I applaud you for being duchess of it. Duchesses rank higher than princesses in my book, if only because Disney has yet to usurp them for anti-feminist tirades. More to the point, I’d like to let you know that sunbathing without a bikini top is completely acceptable, even for royalty.

As most of us know, topless sunbathing is not an exhibitionist sport in Europe. In fact, based on my personal experience, public beaches in France are the safest places in the world to bare your breasts, if only because no one else cares. The sand is not a strip club. Topless females aged 0 through 80 wander down to the seashore equally unburdened. The beaches there are softly liberating, especially for foreigners unused to such quiet freedoms.

But you weren’t even on a public beach when the as-yet nameless paparazzo aimed his telephoto lens in your direction. You and William were cloistered on a private balcony, where you had a right to privacy. Now foreign tabloids are exploiting your nipples for profit, and you’re hitting back through the usual legal channels. As the frenzy over these photos continues, here’s what you should do: absolutely nothing. And this is why.

You’re adored the world over for being a very shiny person. You personify bounty and beauty. William is obviously smitten with you, and your happiness seems genuine. You’re the pretty young thing in an otherwise generally homely bunch of international heads of state. You don’t have to morph into some modest schoolmarm just because you’re royalty now. Remember that sheer dress you wore back in the day when you first caught Will’s eye? Work it, girl; you’re an effing 21^st-century duchess!

Yes, the British press is hounding you to produce an heir, but you and Will are playing it cool, giving each other synchronous orgasms in 50 different countries a year without a dirty diaper in sight. No, you’re not setting policy, but you’re still having an impact. At the very least, you’re making people smile, showing us how simple young love is, even for royals, in a dizzyingly complex world. Your love story is an uplifting narrative, and you’ve been telling it well so far. Stiff upper lip may work for Elizabeth, but you’ve been keeping things loose, and your public adores you for it.

So you and William went a little native when you crossed the channel. Harry did the same in Vegas. What could be more natural? Viva Las Vegas! Vive la France! The bottom line is that you young royals are a blast. When what happens in Provence doesn’t stay in Provence, there’s no need to apologize or file a lawsuit. Fighting back against a slimy paparazzo only gives him more power, making his silly, salacious story a bigger one. Whereas shrugging it off—and yes, laughing when greeted by topless women in the Solomon Islands—only makes us love you the more.

Your friend in Chicago,

Melissa Wiley

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